September 14, 2010

Raw Review: Sept. 13/10

It feels good to be writing again. I've cleared out the cobwebs and aired the place out a bit. Hopefully the mold smell is gone by the time you read this. You may have noticed the updated look. I think it's much better, plus there's nothing that gets a fresh start going better than an overhaul (makeover for the more effeminate readers).

Anyways, it looks like I picked a good week to start this up again. Raw Roulette was..... interesting, I guess. It did give us a few decent moments.

We start off with Orton and Cena waiting to find out their match for the evening. Orton tries to spin the wheel, but Cena stops him (douche). He gets Eve to do it for him. We find out it'll be a tables match. This could actually be alright, if SOMEONE doesn't botch the finish. Josh refers back to TLC where Sheamus beat Cena in a tables match for the WWE title.

Now we have some football star hosting. I don't follow the sport so I have no clue who the fuck he is, but he did gets some horrible 80's TV theme music. Thankfully, the Miz is here to save us from football guys horrible, Ben Stein-esque talking.

Good mic work from Miz as always, but I find him spouting off his accomplishments is getting annoying. That's good, it makes me want to hate him which is his job.

First email from the GM. Oh goody. Cole talking. Shoot me now. We find out Miz will be in a submission match. Another good match in the making, I hope. Chad Oingo Boingo has the choice of Miz's opponent: Daniel Bryan Danielson. Commercial break.

Match 1: Miz vs. Danielson

We come back to the match already underway. Good back and forth early on. Miz locks in a Figure 4 but Danielson rolls it over. He sinks in the LeBell Lock, and Miz gets to the ropes. Some more action, both men looking good.

Miz ducks out of the ring, and looks hurt. He grabs a mic and says he has a hernia. He's pulling out of the match because he wants to be ready for Sunday. On a side note, can you really recover from a hernia in 7 days? The ref is about to toss the match, but Miz says Danielson will be facing Alex Riley.

Match resumes. Riley is dominating early on. Cole is sucking Miz's cock big time trying to play up the hernia crap. Danielson counters Riley and puts him in the LeBell Lock. Riley taps. Miz gets into the ring, and attacks Danielson. Miz starts yelling at Danielson that he's "average at best" and how he'll never have the title. Miz goes for another assault, but Danielson sticks him in the LeBell lock again. Miz taps. More cocksucking from Cole.

Cole starts talking about how this Sunday it won't be a submission match (which makes no difference as submissions still count).

Match score: 7/10. It was too short, and the storyline wasn't that enthralling. Plus I feel like I got ripped off when they stuck A-Ry in.

Roulette wheel is shown again. Jillian spins the wheel and starts singing that Flo-Rida song. Edge joins her. We're going to find out his match after the break. We return to Edge making his way to the ring. Still waiting for his match.

 We find out his opponent is Evan Bourne (or as my mom called him on Sunday "that little shit"). We learn it's a bodyslam challenge (wtfrusrs?)

Match 2: Edge vs. Bourne, bodyslam challenge

Edge immediately grabs Bourne, but he snags the ropes. Bourne gets free and drops Edge with a nice kick. Edge gets back up and drops Bourne. He then slams him for the win. Bourne gets back up and Edge spears him.

That annoying GM is back. Edge has to compete in another bodyslam challenge because he speared Bourne. This time he's facing Mark Henry. Ugh. Some more trading shots. Edge tries to lift Henry, but the fatass just falls on Edge.

Henry drops Edge for the boring win. Question: does the World's Strongest Slam even count as a bodyslam?

Match score: 4/10. Pointless. If the match were anything else, I think it would've been good. Add in Mark Henry and it becomes even more useless. Also, why is he still dressing like a fat black version of MVP?

Commercial break. We return to Ted DiBiase and Maryse in the ring. R Truth and Eve come out next. Goody, a musical match. Song and Dance contest.

Truth is singing (big surprise), and Eve is "dancing." Truth is singing what must be his rumoured new theme. I actually kinda like it. I wouldn't really call what Eve was doing dancing, though.

Ted DiBiase hits the nail on the head. This isn't America's Got Talent. He calls this competition stupid (and I agree). But he's going to do it anyways for some reason.

I never thought I'd find a worse singer than Jillian, but, there he is... Maryse isn't looking too impressive, either. I mean her dancing. She is still smokin' though.

DiBiase gets upset about something and they attack Truth and Eve. Of course Truth and Eve come out on top, and Cole is sucking the heels balls again.

Rating: I'm not going to bother.

Backstage, Regal and the Bella twins are at the wheel. Trading Places match comes up. Apparently it involves raiding your opponents wardrobe. Unsurprisingly his opponent is Goldust.

Sheamus comes in now and says that if Morrison can beat him tonight, he gets Jericho's spot in the 6-pack challenge. The Bella twins (did Sheamus just call them "fellas?" spin the wheel and it's going to be a falls count anywhere match.

Commercial break. Edge is pacing the locker room and Zack Ryder joins him. Apparently they go "way back" so Edge can tell Ryder what's going on. Edge said that when he wins on Sunday, him and the title are going MIA. We now have Morrison doing crazy flips and running around backstage. It's pretty impressive.

The falls count anywhere match is next up after the break.

Match 3: Sheamus vs. Morrison, falls count anywhere

Morrison with an early roll up but Sheamus kicks out. Another pin attempt after a couple more moves. Odd looking slingshot hurricanrana by Morrison outside the ring. Morrison is sent crashing into the barrier. Sheamus charges, but Morrison flips him over the rail. A vaulting shoulder by Morrison and another pin attempt. Sehamus kicks out again.

Backbreaker on Morrison. Sheamus drops Morrison's gut on a rail and tries for a pin. Morrison is out at 2. Big Boot attempt against a storage crate, but Morrison ducks. On the stage now. Sheamus slams Morrison onto the stage and tries for a pin. No dice again. Morrison counters a bodyslam. Sheamus throws Morrison off the stage, but he flips out of it and lands on his feet. Pin attempt, kick out.

Morrison into the barrier again. Sheamus pins, Morrison kicks out. Good action so far. Chair in play now. Morrison disappears, and shows up on top of the tron. Body splash, pin. Sheamus kicks out. Jericho appears, and whacks Morrison with the chair. Sheamus pins him for the win.

Match rating: 8/10. The ending ruined it. there was no need for the interference, as Sheamus beating Morrison is completely believable.

Jericho is in the ring now, just sitting there. Commercial break. We return, and Jericho is still sitting there, holding a mic. He says he's not going anywhere until he gets exactly what he wants. As good as Jericho is on the mic, his character is becoming more and more like a spoiled 4 year old every week.

He says he wants back in the 6-pack challenge, or he quits (for real). He says he's going to expose the GM's identity before he leaves though. Email comes in. Cole tarts his obnoxious spiel, but Jericho shuts him up and tells him to just read it.

Now the GM is spouting Vinnie Mac's catchphrase. Jericho calls him out on it, saying that Vince isn't a coward and wouldn't be hiding behind a computer. Email comes in again. Cole tries yet again with his little banter. Jericho cuts him off again.

6-pack challenge is now an elimination match, and Jericho is back in. Jericho thanks the GM and gets up to leave. But wait, there's more! Jericho is back in the match, IF he can win a match tonight. It's going to be a handicap match against the Hart Dynasty. Now, they've thrown in a steel cage for no extra cost. Commercial break.

Glitch in the feed. We return to the start of Jericho's promo. Now the cage match comes on.

Match 4: Jericho vs. Hart Dynasty, steel cage match

Kidd in control early. Hart attack on Jericho. Both members climbing out. Smith is out. Jericho and Kidd left. Kidd throws Jericho off and hits a cross body off the top rope. Jericho in control now. Kidd scrambles to the door, but Jericho reels him in.

Jericho puts in a headlock. Kidd fights out and starts a series of dropkicks on Jericho. Kidd throws Jericho into the corner, but he jumps onto the cage and tries to get out. Kidd stops him, and dives on Jericho. Jericho gets out of the way, and Kidd lands directly into the Walls. Sharpshooter attempt, but Jericho counters. The throws Kidd overhead, and he grabs onto the cage.

Jericho tears him off, and locks in the Walls for the win.

Match rating: 8/10. Nice action, plus a steel cage match is good once in a while.

We return from commercial to the trading places match.Yikes.

"Regal" vs. "Goldust"

More pointless bullshit. "Regal" pulls out the brass knucks for the mercifully quick win.

Rating: Can I give a negative rating? Wait, it's my blog. -2/10.

Commercials again. Oingo Boingo is back in the ring and introduces himself as the guest ring announcer. Orton is in the ring for the tables match. Here comes Captain Derpshit.

Match 5: Orton vs. Cena, tables match

Lock up that leads nowhere. Lots of staring. Cena with a headlock. Orton throws him off, but Cena rebounds and hits a shoulder on Orton. More staring. Orton with a headlock now. Cena's out and even more staring. Circling eachother. Orton finally strikes Cena and slams his face into a turnbuckle. Cena's down. Orton on the apron, trying to suplex Cena out of the ring and through a table.

Cena pushes Orton off and almost through the table. Commercial break now. Trading punches in the ring now. Anti Cena crowd, woo. Cena is down. Orton stomping him flat now. Cena struggling up the ropes onto the apron. Orton punches Cena, who is teetering over a table. Cena somehow recovers and suplexes Orton.

Both men down after a double clothesline. Both up now. Cena tries for an FU but Orton counters into a DDT. Orton with a table in the ring now. Table set up in the corner and Cena is back up. Thus start the "vintage John Cena" FMOD. Orton counters the FU again, and drops Cena with repeated clotheslines. RKO attempt, but Cena counters into the STFU.

Here comes Nexus now. FU on Otunga, Slater over the ropes through a table. Barret drops Cena with his finisher. Barrett with a table in the ring now. Cena still down. No idea where Orton is. Gabriel to the top rope, Barrett rolling Cena onto the table. Orton throws Gabriel off the turnbuckle, and goes after Orton. Orton counters his finisher, and tosses him out of the ring. Barrett holds on, but Orton knocks him off.

Cena still down, Orton how hunting Cena. Edge and Jericho out now attacking Orton. Edge accidentally spears Jericho through a table. Both of them down now. Sheamus is out and attacking Cena, who somehow recovers again and hits an FU. Orton up now, and going after Cena. Cena counters and gets him up for an FU. Orton counters that and RKOs him through the table to win.

Match rating: 7.5/10. Overall it was good, but pointless run ins and a sloppy finish hindered this match.

Final show rating (averaged out from match ratings): 5.5/10

Overall, a weak go-home show for NOC. I think Raw Roulette is an excuse to give us shitty matches and stupid gimmicks, but it's okay, because it's all "chance" right?

Tune in tomorrow for my weekly feature, and thursday for my NXT review.

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