December 26, 2009

The ACA-CT's end of year awards 2009

Welcome one and welcome all to the ACA-CT's version of the slammys and our last post of 2009! Here, we'll be talking about the best, worst and the most craziest things that have happened in the WWE. The theme song for tonight is All Secrets Known by the returning Alice in Chains from their first album in more than a decade. Now, that aside, let's kick things off with our first award...

This award is for the best entrance music of the year. Nominees are... Motorhead for "The Game" which is used by Triple H, Killswitch Engage for "This Fire Burns" the entrance theme for CM Punk, Adelitas Way for "It's A New Day"(Wow, it rhymes!) which is used by both Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes, Mutiny Within and Jim Johnston for "Born To Win" which is used by Evan Bourne and the Stonefree Experience for "Ain't No Make Believe" which John Morrison uses. And the winner is........Adelita's Way for "It's A New Day"!

Well, congratulations to Adelita's Way for their win. The next award is for the worst storyline of 2009. Not really something you want to win. Nominees are...Chavo vs. Hornswoggle, Teddy Long being on probation, Brett DiBiase going nowhere, Santino vs. Hornswoggle, Gimmick PPV's and Miz vs. Cena. The winner for this is....Gimmick PPV's.

Well, there you have it, the worst storyline of '09. Let this be a lesson to Vince for 2010. The next award is the counterpart of the last award, yes, it's the best storyline of '09. The nominees for this award are Batista turning heel, Jerishow forming, Legacy forming, Punk vs. Hardy and Triple H pedigreeing Hornswoggle. The envelope please....Punk vs. Hardy.

Well, the best storyline of '09. Congratulations to everybody involved. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the special guest who'll award the next prize...Doink the Clown! This next award is the prestigious Goobledegooker award which is awarded for the worst gimmick of '09. Nominees are....Jimmy Wang Yang, Kung Fu Naki, Santino Marella, Tony Atlas and Errrrrrrrricccccccccccccc Essssssssssscoooooooooobaaaaaaarrrr. The envelope, yes, thank you...and the winner is....Tony Atlas.

There you have it, the worst gimmick of '09. The next award we have is for the best new superstar of '09. To be eligible for this award, this wrestler must have debuted in the WWE at any time after January 1, 2009. And the nominees are..., Trent Baretta, Caylen Croft, Dolph Ziggler, the current WWE champion, Sheamus, and the current IC champion, Drew McIntyre. The winner is....Drew McIntyre.

Congratulations, Mr. McIntyre! But shouldn't we spare a thought for the rest of the people who aren't wrestlers? That's why we created the best non-wrestler award. Managers and valets are eligible, however, if they don't also wrestle. So, on to the nominees...Vickie Guerrero, Matt Striker for his commentary, some of you might disagree about this, but Abraham Washington for his show, Lillian Garcia and of course, Jesse Ventura for hosting the very successful Raw episode. And the winner is....Matt Striker!

Congratulations to Striker for their involvement in the WWE. The following award is for the finisher of the year. The nominees are...Randy Orton's RKO, CM Punk's GTS, Evan Bourne's Air Bourne, Shelton Benjamin's Paydirt and Chris Jericho's Walls of Jericho. And the winner...Actually, we have a tie... The winnERS are Even Bourne's Shooting Star Press and Chris Jericho's Walls of Jericho.

Congrats to Chris and Evan. Let’s only hope they can put Cena away with them. The next award is, yes, you've guessed it, the FU award! Since, it'll be very unfair to the other nominees, we've excluded the ultimate champion of this award, the FU/attitude adjustment/whatever other lame name Cena put for it.
On to the nominees, Batista's Batista Bomb, Finlay's Celtic Cross, Hornsowggle's Tadpole Splash, Goldust's Golden Age and of course, John Cena's STF! And the winner is....STF!

Well, wasn't that even more predictable than the WWE? Anyways, we've been missing some female activity, so, here are the nominees for the worst diva of '09...Jillian Hall, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Kelly Kelly and the WWE slammy winner for best diva, Maria! Gimme the envelope please....and the winner is....Maria!

to think she spent most of the last 3 months nowhere to be seen and still won the Best Diva Slammy.

However, this award is for the best WWE diva of '09. Nominees are Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Natalya, Maryse and Melina. The winner is...Beth Phoenix.

Congratulations to Beth for her win in the best diva of '09. Let’s celebrate back at my hotel room after the show *wink*. This award is for the worst tag team of '09. The nominees are...MVP and Mark Henry, DX, The Bellas, Cryme Tyme and Jesse and Festus. The winner is.....Cryme Tyme.

Unlike the nominees and winners of the last category, these next group of tag teams are bettering the WWE's lousy tag team division. This award is for the best tag team of '09. So, on to the nominees...Hart Dynasty, Legacy, Edge and Jericho, Jerishow and Miz and Morrison. The winner is...Hart Dynasty!

Well folks, that was the Hart Dynasty, the best tag team of '09. Ladies and gentlemen, for better or worse, we have four more awards left. The next one is for the worst match of '09. And the nominees are...John Cena vs. Randy Orton at Bragging Rights, Cena vs. HBK vs. Triple H at Survivor Series, CM Punk vs. Undertaker at Hell in a Cell, DX vs. Jerishow at TLC and Hart Dynasty vs. DX on the 12/25/09 edition of SD. Pass on the envelope please, yes, and the winner is...Cena vs. Orton at Bragging Rights.

*Yawn*...These next matches, are completely unlike the last ones and are the most entertaining and blood-pumping ones. This is the best match of 2009. The nominees are...CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy at Summerslam, the Royal Rumble match at Royal Rumble, Shawn Micheals vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania 25, Sheamus vs. John Cena at TLC and Sheamus vs. Cena on the 12/28/09 edition of Raw. And the best match of 2009 is....Sheamus vs. Cena at TLC!

Yeah yeah, I know that wasn't the most blood-pumping match of '09(That would go to Punk vs. Hardy), but Cena going through a table=automatic win. Congratulations to the participants who were involved in the best match of 2009, except for Cena. Up next, we have the Cena award, which is awarded for the worst wrestler of the year. Like the FU award, the ultimate champion, John Cena, is excluded in this award. The nominees are...Slam Master J, Batista(He was an irritating face for the majority of the year), Hornswoggle, The Great Khali and Triple H. And the winner is...Hornswoggle.

Well folks, there you have it, the worst wrestler of 2009, excluding John Cena of course. Now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for, the best wrestler of 2009. The nominees for this award are...Chris Jericho, CM Punk, The Miz, The Undertaker and Randy Orton. The winner is...the Miz!

Congratulations to The Miz! He's just that awesome, folks. However, before me and Nic go off, we still have one more award, the ACA-CT writer of the year. The nominees...Nic Steenburg and Vafa Behnam. And the winner is...Nic Steenburg! Wait a second, Vafa Behnam is challenging Nic to a...*gasp*...bouncy castle match. After a brutal match, Vafa Behnam gets revenge on Nic and becomes the unofficial ACA-CT writer of the year! Revenge is bitter eh? LOL.

Woah, hold on. Nic pulls out a contract stipulating that there can only be one bouncy castle match a year. Seeing as TVFR was lost to the ACA-CT in one in October , there can’t be another one. The results are now nullified.

However, Nic offers a new challenge. If Vafa can beat Nic in a “name that odour” match, he will be the official writer of the year.

After a heinously rank match, Nic wins after correctly identifying the smell of blue cheese being cut by a methane powered chainsaw. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU NIC! I'll get you next time.

So, I hope you all had a good time reading this. On the behalf of the ACA-CT, happy New Year!

Thanks for reading,

Nic and Vafa

December 20, 2009

Single branded PPVs the answer?

First things first, I'll define what a single branded PPV is to those who are unfamiliar with the term. Single branded PPVs are PPVs which are exclusive to one, or rarely, two brands, but not all three.

WWE has used single branded PPVs before, after the brand extension in June 2003. It was discontinued in March 2007, because single-branded PPVs had already engaged in inter-branded matches and the WWE thought that PPVs weren't entertaining enough.
Here's the list of single branded PPVs before it was discontinued:

New Year's Revolution/Bad Blood(NYR replaced Bad Blood from 2005-2007) Raw 2004–2007
Backlash Raw 2004–2006
Vengeance Smackdown! 2003 Raw 2004–2006
Unforgiven Raw 2003–2006
Cyber Sunday Raw 2004–2006
Armageddon Raw 2003 SmackDown! 2004–2006
No Way Out SmackDown! 2004–2007
Judgment Day SmackDown! 2004–2006
The Great American Bash SmackDown! 2004–2006
No Mercy SmackDown! 2003–2006
December to Dismember ECW 2006

Well, firstly, why should the WWE make single-branded PPVs? Two reasons.
1) This would give other superstars a chance to shine on a Pay Per View.
2) This would raise credibility for the big four.

I'll do one further, and actually list the PPVs, and which brand they're exclusive to. The big four will obviously be tri-branded, and I could just distribute the other PPVs to the brands. However, there is one problem. Bragging Rights. They created Bragging Rights as a competition to determine which brand is the best. There are two options. Lose it or make it a tri-branded PPV. If we chose the second option, we could make it switch places with The Bash, because it would be idiotic to have two tri-branded PPVs in a row when there are only five in a year. ECW will probably be dropped soon, but if not, just consider it sharing a PPV with Smackdown!
Here's the list of single-branded that would benefit the WWE:

Night of Champions Raw
Breaking Point Raw
Backlash Raw
Extreme Rules Smackdown!
The Bash Smackdown!
Elimination Chamber Smackdown!
Hell in a Cell Smackdown!

Just another one of our suggestions to better the WWE. I'll be stopping here for now.

Until then,


December 5, 2009

Face/Heel Portrayals and their Contradiction to Societal Norms

As the title may lead you to believe, this is my most in-depth post ever. I will be talking about why faces and heels get cheered and booed for their actions, how WWE sets up situations for said reactions, and talk about societal norms and how they are contradicted by actions of superstars.

To start, let's look at the terminology. A "face" is the good guy. He is the hero of the fans, and is usually good looking. He is also the company's cash cow in most cases. A "heel" is the bad guy. He is despised by the fans, and want to see him get destroyed by the face.

On to the question at hand: Why do faces get cheered for their actions, and why do heels get booed? The simple answer is because the WWE makes us want to like the faces, and hate the heels. We show our love of, or disgust for, wrestlers with these reactions. This is where things start to get complicated. Why do we cheer a face when he destroys someone's car, in an act that would land anyone else in jail? Why do we boo heels when they walk away from a fight like the bigger man?

The answer to this is because once it is instilled in us that a man is a face, we will follow him religiously and think anything he does is cool. The reverse is true with heels. We despise everything they do because he's bad, and anything he does can't be good.

Faces also tell the fans what they want to hear, no matter how outrageous it may be, fans buy into it. Heels state the often ugly truth about either the fans themselves, other wrestlers, or wrestling in general, or other popular topics. We don't want to face reality, no matter how much we know it to be true.

For example, John Cena will rant and rave about how good he is, and how he's going to win and yadda yadda and so on. He'll then spout a catchphrase or two, and toss some piece of merchandise into the crowd. The fans love it, because they're told to.

CM Punk reaches a life of not drinking, smoking or doing drugs. Outside the ring, he would be a perfect role model. But in the ring, the fans loathe him. This goes back to WWE making us want to hate him, even though he has a good message.

In short, we will cheer for lies and boo the truth. We follow along like sheep with whatever the WWE happens to puke onto our screens 4 days a week.

I mentioned that WWE creates these situations, and they damn well do. Think about it: a face confronts a heel, BEGGING the heel to punch him. If the heel does what the face asked him to, he'd get booed for attacking a "helpless" man. Yet if he walks away like the more mature man would, he gets booed as a coward.

WWE throws the heels into these situations on purpose, because no matter what the heel does, the desired effect is achieved. At the end of the night, the heel gets booed and the face gets cheered. That's all WWE cares about. They manipulate their fans like puppets on a string, and the fans don't realize it.

The more intelligent of the fans will look past the face or heel label and see that a wrestler is good or bad based on other factors, such as how believable is their portrayal of a face or heel, or how well they do in matches (and I don't mean winning. Wrestling is scripted, even 8 year olds know that. Okay, the 8 year olds that aren't Cena fans. Okay, maybe 8 year olds don't know. But smart people do).

Societal norms teach us that destroying another man's car is wrong. They teach us that there are consequences for our actions. They also teach us that life is not fair, and whining and complaining won't change that. Yet why is it that fans cheered Kofi Kingston when he destroyed Randy Orton's brand new Car?

The fact is, some of us secretly have a desire to smash the belongings of assholes in our lives. Yet we can't do it without serious repercussions, or we are too damn pussy to do it. So when we see someone acting it out on TV, we cheer them on because we know that they are living out our fantasies.

When people booed CM Punk because he held an intervention on Smackdown, it was because they all knew he was right. It was a truth that the fans did not want to face. They didn't want their vices exposed on national television by someone like Punk.

We get told that someone is good or bad, then we look for reasons to prove it one way or the other. Even though we're shown something that is normally bad, we'll say it's good because it was done by someone we like, and vice versa for bad guys.

This obviously has it's limitations, but it's proven 4 nights a week by WWE that it holds true for the most part.

Feel free to send me your thoughts on the issue. Shoot an email to and we'll be sure to post your opinions.

Peace out,


December 3, 2009

The John Cena Mail Bag

Since Cena is busy assfucking young boys, I'll answer his mail for him.

"you can't see me...
but i can see you..."

-- Thank god.

"hi cena is the best!
Yu cant see me?"

-- We don't want to see you, you ugly moron. And if Cena is half as illiterate as you are, then no amount of wrestling skills will make him even remotely worthwhile.

"Never give up"

-- Yes, Cena, never give up. If you keep the faith, people might actually come to believe that you're not just a drooling pervert who goes into the wrestling ring as an excuse to touch people's bottoms.

"The champ is here"

-- Ah, so you dethroned Cena as the champ? I must warn you though, Cena's self-application of the epithet "champ" started off in childhood when he replaced the family dog in displaying a remarkable ability to return unwanted objects that his parents threw away. If you ever have the misfortune of being stuck in a wrestling ring with him, expect him to slobber all over you and fetch you sticks and bones.


-- Cena is sort of like Tor Johnson, but far less intelligent and loveable.

"U r d real champ"

-- Calling Cena the champ is perfectly acceptable, as long as we accept that the sport of which he is champion is arse grabbing and not wrestling.

"ur time is up my time is now u can t see me sheamus prepare urself for an attitude adjustment on some tables ur nothin u won the battle royal by sitting in the corner and let the real men finish each other i swear if stayed with randy he would make u cry"

-- Ah, this statement is ridiculed with examples of repressed homosexuality. As most people familiar with Cena will know, the "wrestler" was rejected from the gay community due to his unintelligence and bad dress sense. He now proposes to sodomise his opponent on a table like a "real man" because he's feeling "Randy". Quite disturbing, but not really intimidating in any real sense.

"Sheamus the job will be finished.John Cena will win the match.Spades last eleven days left."

-- Our protagonist once again makes sexual advances on his opponent. He proposes to win the match by "finishing the job", and considering how much practice Cena's mouth muscles have had giving blowjobs to other wrestlers, he may very well put his money (for money read someone else's dick) where his mouth is.

"cena rocks"

-- Cena thinks he rocks, but when it comes to wrestling, he generally rolls.

"thanks be to cnfrimd.."

-- I'd make a witty remark on what the cetard has said here, but his inability to use the English language has probably prevented him from really saying anything.

"cena u r one off my favourite wrestlers i watched ur john cena my life dvd the other day and just like u i hope 1 day i can become a future wwe champion i am only 13 years old but wen u were young u started lifting weights and thts how ur career started so i hope 1 day i can live the life uv lived u used 2 play for an ...american football team im from glasgow in scotland but i now live in co.tyrone in northen ireland but no matter were i live i hope u destroy sheamus at TLC u r the champ and your still going 2 b after TLC put Sheamus throw a table and keep ur WWE championship no matter wat carlito said on raw ur wwe fans will follow u throw and throw"

-- Ah, the "My life" DVD. Of course it was riddled with omissions. It left out some of Cena's most interesting experiences, most of which involved molesting livestock and being beaten up by toddlers.

"thank you for giving of your time for sick children."

-- He probably made them considerably sicker. I know that I can't see him without feeling slightly nauseous.

"i think your the hottest wrestler ever... i even married my husband john spence of indianapolis in because he looks like your double in the face and body... wish you could see him you could be twins:) thanks for always putting a smile on my face chelee spence"

-- Poor Mr Spence is also Cena's penis double, and has to buy his condoms at a store for Japanese midgets.

"come on cena fu sheamus in a table"

-- To the best of my previous knowledge, "fu" was not a verb. But if the idiot who posted that means "fuck up", then I expect that Cena will attempt to fuck Sheamus up, down and sideways. He may find it difficult though, since his only sexual experiences are with barnyard animals.

"i love u cenaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

-- If the person who posted this note of affection was a small rodent with a bushy tail, then this love might be mutual and reach some kind of sexual consumnation.


-- The best what? I didn't realise that being phallically impaired, sexually perverted in favour of sleeping with chickens, hideously ugly and dumber than a bag of hammers could set a man above his peers.

"you are a good actor too cena, whats your next movie?"

-- Yes, he's a marvellous actor! He can even pretend to be a wrestler!

Well, hope you had a laugh. I'll be signing off for now.

Until then,


One Night Only Specials -- Cena's Second Greatest Test

Well guys, I've decided to continue the legacy of the One Night Only edition of which we saw our favorite superstar taking on a paper bag in a very technical matchup, which the paper bag just nicked out the win. Who am I kidding? John Cena can't wrestle for shit. If you want to see that match, you can see it here.

Before I go on with the match, I'll introduce you to John Cena's opponent, the ferocious, the angry, the Grizzly Bear. Thanks to wikipedia, I got some information on the Grizzly Bear. Weighing in at 500 pounds, he hails from Ontario, Canada. The Grizzly Bear has had only one tenure in wrestling, he was in UFC under the name of "Carlos Newton".

Yes, John Cena will face a Grizzly Bear. What's better than to watch Cena get demolished by an angry grizzly bear?

The Grizzly Bear's music hits, and he enters the match with everybody who is literate, can walk and around the age of 14-45(With some exceptions, *Cough* ahem...) cheering. The champ then makes his entrance, welcomed by the fat horny chicks, and the spoiled five year olds who have replica spinner belts, Cena t-shirts, action figures and tons of other Cena merchandise that has kept him in his job. Cena takes his shirt off, and throws it to the smart marks section, which is burned/used as an alternative to tissue. As soon as Vinnie Mac finds out about this, the camera men are ordered to cut off that scene, and instead, film Cena throwing another shirt, this time into the other section, where we see the fat horny chicks wrestling five year olds for the shirt.

The bell rings, and the match starts. The Grizzly Bear starts the offensive(as always) and completely destroys Cena. This continues for twenty more minutes. The Grizzly Bear goes for his finisher, the Mauler(powerbomb). As Cena is in the air, he ducks behind the Grizzly Bear, and clotheslines him, sending the Grizzly Bear to the ground. Cena goes on the top rope, and attempts to hit the legdrop. However, the Grizzly Bear quickly wakes up, and delivers a superplex to Cena. The Grizzly Bear goes for the pin...1....2....Cena, who looked like he had died seconds ago, just wakes up on the last second(Seriously, SELL your injuries).

The Grizzly Bear goes for a couple of body blows, but Cena reverses it into the "superman clothesline" that sends them to the outside and bringing attention to the horny chicks and five year olds who all stand up and cheer. The Grizzly Bear gets into the ring before Cena and starts taunting. Cena, who looks like as if he got shot, crawls his way into the ring at the count of 8. The Grizzly Bear, on the turnbuckle, is about to deliver a body splash on Cena. The Grizzly Bear hits it, but Cena ducks out of the way. Cena now in feverish fever, runs and delivers a clothesline on the Grizzly Bear. He goes on the turnbuckle and hits the legdrop. He then does that five-knuckle shuffle move. He goes for the STF and hits it. However, the Grizzly Bear manages to reverse the move. The Grizzly Bear hits Cena with a couple of hard punches. He goes for the Mauler and gets it. Cena, yet again attempts to look like he's knocked out, breaks the pin at 2.

Cena wakes up, does his "three moves of doom" and goes for the FU. He lifts him up as if the bear is a five-hundred ton warship and delivers the FU. The Bear, however, does not follow the script that Vinnie Mac gave to him earlier, and kicks out of the pin. The Bear then gets real frustrated and decides to cut the crap. He starts attacking Cena and completely destroys him. The high point is when Cena starts bleeding and the horny chicks and five year olds start crying. This angers Vinnie Mac and tells the officials to find out a way to stop the match or else their merch sales would take a hit. Their first solution is, to get interference on behalf of the bear. Enter Hornswoggle, who comes out of the his home, the ring, and attacks Cena. Hornswoggle delivers a punch with his pea sized hands, and Cena pretends as if a cannon shot him. The ref calls for the bell and Cena is declared the winner.

This just proves that Cena doesn't know how to wrestle and relies on scripts to win. Seriously, as Nic said, GTFO(Note to self: Future Cena finisher name) of wrestling.