December 3, 2009

The John Cena Mail Bag

Since Cena is busy assfucking young boys, I'll answer his mail for him.

"you can't see me...
but i can see you..."

-- Thank god.

"hi cena is the best!
Yu cant see me?"

-- We don't want to see you, you ugly moron. And if Cena is half as illiterate as you are, then no amount of wrestling skills will make him even remotely worthwhile.

"Never give up"

-- Yes, Cena, never give up. If you keep the faith, people might actually come to believe that you're not just a drooling pervert who goes into the wrestling ring as an excuse to touch people's bottoms.

"The champ is here"

-- Ah, so you dethroned Cena as the champ? I must warn you though, Cena's self-application of the epithet "champ" started off in childhood when he replaced the family dog in displaying a remarkable ability to return unwanted objects that his parents threw away. If you ever have the misfortune of being stuck in a wrestling ring with him, expect him to slobber all over you and fetch you sticks and bones.


-- Cena is sort of like Tor Johnson, but far less intelligent and loveable.

"U r d real champ"

-- Calling Cena the champ is perfectly acceptable, as long as we accept that the sport of which he is champion is arse grabbing and not wrestling.

"ur time is up my time is now u can t see me sheamus prepare urself for an attitude adjustment on some tables ur nothin u won the battle royal by sitting in the corner and let the real men finish each other i swear if stayed with randy he would make u cry"

-- Ah, this statement is ridiculed with examples of repressed homosexuality. As most people familiar with Cena will know, the "wrestler" was rejected from the gay community due to his unintelligence and bad dress sense. He now proposes to sodomise his opponent on a table like a "real man" because he's feeling "Randy". Quite disturbing, but not really intimidating in any real sense.

"Sheamus the job will be finished.John Cena will win the match.Spades last eleven days left."

-- Our protagonist once again makes sexual advances on his opponent. He proposes to win the match by "finishing the job", and considering how much practice Cena's mouth muscles have had giving blowjobs to other wrestlers, he may very well put his money (for money read someone else's dick) where his mouth is.

"cena rocks"

-- Cena thinks he rocks, but when it comes to wrestling, he generally rolls.

"thanks be to cnfrimd.."

-- I'd make a witty remark on what the cetard has said here, but his inability to use the English language has probably prevented him from really saying anything.

"cena u r one off my favourite wrestlers i watched ur john cena my life dvd the other day and just like u i hope 1 day i can become a future wwe champion i am only 13 years old but wen u were young u started lifting weights and thts how ur career started so i hope 1 day i can live the life uv lived u used 2 play for an ...american football team im from glasgow in scotland but i now live in co.tyrone in northen ireland but no matter were i live i hope u destroy sheamus at TLC u r the champ and your still going 2 b after TLC put Sheamus throw a table and keep ur WWE championship no matter wat carlito said on raw ur wwe fans will follow u throw and throw"

-- Ah, the "My life" DVD. Of course it was riddled with omissions. It left out some of Cena's most interesting experiences, most of which involved molesting livestock and being beaten up by toddlers.

"thank you for giving of your time for sick children."

-- He probably made them considerably sicker. I know that I can't see him without feeling slightly nauseous.

"i think your the hottest wrestler ever... i even married my husband john spence of indianapolis in because he looks like your double in the face and body... wish you could see him you could be twins:) thanks for always putting a smile on my face chelee spence"

-- Poor Mr Spence is also Cena's penis double, and has to buy his condoms at a store for Japanese midgets.

"come on cena fu sheamus in a table"

-- To the best of my previous knowledge, "fu" was not a verb. But if the idiot who posted that means "fuck up", then I expect that Cena will attempt to fuck Sheamus up, down and sideways. He may find it difficult though, since his only sexual experiences are with barnyard animals.

"i love u cenaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

-- If the person who posted this note of affection was a small rodent with a bushy tail, then this love might be mutual and reach some kind of sexual consumnation.


-- The best what? I didn't realise that being phallically impaired, sexually perverted in favour of sleeping with chickens, hideously ugly and dumber than a bag of hammers could set a man above his peers.

"you are a good actor too cena, whats your next movie?"

-- Yes, he's a marvellous actor! He can even pretend to be a wrestler!

Well, hope you had a laugh. I'll be signing off for now.

Until then,


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