December 3, 2009

One Night Only Specials -- Cena's Second Greatest Test

Well guys, I've decided to continue the legacy of the One Night Only edition of which we saw our favorite superstar taking on a paper bag in a very technical matchup, which the paper bag just nicked out the win. Who am I kidding? John Cena can't wrestle for shit. If you want to see that match, you can see it here.

Before I go on with the match, I'll introduce you to John Cena's opponent, the ferocious, the angry, the Grizzly Bear. Thanks to wikipedia, I got some information on the Grizzly Bear. Weighing in at 500 pounds, he hails from Ontario, Canada. The Grizzly Bear has had only one tenure in wrestling, he was in UFC under the name of "Carlos Newton".

Yes, John Cena will face a Grizzly Bear. What's better than to watch Cena get demolished by an angry grizzly bear?

The Grizzly Bear's music hits, and he enters the match with everybody who is literate, can walk and around the age of 14-45(With some exceptions, *Cough* ahem...) cheering. The champ then makes his entrance, welcomed by the fat horny chicks, and the spoiled five year olds who have replica spinner belts, Cena t-shirts, action figures and tons of other Cena merchandise that has kept him in his job. Cena takes his shirt off, and throws it to the smart marks section, which is burned/used as an alternative to tissue. As soon as Vinnie Mac finds out about this, the camera men are ordered to cut off that scene, and instead, film Cena throwing another shirt, this time into the other section, where we see the fat horny chicks wrestling five year olds for the shirt.

The bell rings, and the match starts. The Grizzly Bear starts the offensive(as always) and completely destroys Cena. This continues for twenty more minutes. The Grizzly Bear goes for his finisher, the Mauler(powerbomb). As Cena is in the air, he ducks behind the Grizzly Bear, and clotheslines him, sending the Grizzly Bear to the ground. Cena goes on the top rope, and attempts to hit the legdrop. However, the Grizzly Bear quickly wakes up, and delivers a superplex to Cena. The Grizzly Bear goes for the pin...1....2....Cena, who looked like he had died seconds ago, just wakes up on the last second(Seriously, SELL your injuries).

The Grizzly Bear goes for a couple of body blows, but Cena reverses it into the "superman clothesline" that sends them to the outside and bringing attention to the horny chicks and five year olds who all stand up and cheer. The Grizzly Bear gets into the ring before Cena and starts taunting. Cena, who looks like as if he got shot, crawls his way into the ring at the count of 8. The Grizzly Bear, on the turnbuckle, is about to deliver a body splash on Cena. The Grizzly Bear hits it, but Cena ducks out of the way. Cena now in feverish fever, runs and delivers a clothesline on the Grizzly Bear. He goes on the turnbuckle and hits the legdrop. He then does that five-knuckle shuffle move. He goes for the STF and hits it. However, the Grizzly Bear manages to reverse the move. The Grizzly Bear hits Cena with a couple of hard punches. He goes for the Mauler and gets it. Cena, yet again attempts to look like he's knocked out, breaks the pin at 2.

Cena wakes up, does his "three moves of doom" and goes for the FU. He lifts him up as if the bear is a five-hundred ton warship and delivers the FU. The Bear, however, does not follow the script that Vinnie Mac gave to him earlier, and kicks out of the pin. The Bear then gets real frustrated and decides to cut the crap. He starts attacking Cena and completely destroys him. The high point is when Cena starts bleeding and the horny chicks and five year olds start crying. This angers Vinnie Mac and tells the officials to find out a way to stop the match or else their merch sales would take a hit. Their first solution is, to get interference on behalf of the bear. Enter Hornswoggle, who comes out of the his home, the ring, and attacks Cena. Hornswoggle delivers a punch with his pea sized hands, and Cena pretends as if a cannon shot him. The ref calls for the bell and Cena is declared the winner.

This just proves that Cena doesn't know how to wrestle and relies on scripts to win. Seriously, as Nic said, GTFO(Note to self: Future Cena finisher name) of wrestling.


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