June 17, 2009

One Night Only -- Cena's greatest test

Well, I promised I would make it up to you, so here it is, enjoy.

As my readers probably know, I have a teensie tiny little bias against Cena. But then, so do most of my readers. The ACA questions Cena's wrestling ability on a very regular basis, so I thought I would prove once and for all if he can wrestle.

Tonight, for one night only -- John Cena will face his greatest opponent: a paper bag.

Yes, you read that right. John Cena will literally attempt to wrestle his way out of a paper bag.


Cena stumbles out to the ring, to a mass of boo's from everyone between the ages of 14 and 40. The paper bag is brought out next, to a mass of boo's from everyone under 14 and over 40. The bell sounds, an Cena starts the match in typical fashion by getting his ass handed to him. The bag bodyslams Cena, and tries for a pin. Cena, acting completely dazed, doesn't kick out until 2. But then, suddenly, he's fine again (word of advice pal, sell your injuries).

The bag runs at Cena for a clothesline, but Cena does a botched version of a drop toe hold, and then tries to lock in his pathetic attempt of an STF. The bag, having no arms or face, is immune to this, but Cena doesn't care. He gets that same "I'm gonna shit myslef" look that he always does, like it's supposed to make the hold work better. Yeah, and a flame paint job on a car makes it go faster.

The bag is still in perfect shape, and Cena is worn out. He tries absolutely everything, but the bag is still standing. Eventually, Cena just collapses from exhaustion. The bag pins Cena and gets the victory.

So there you have it, John Cena cannot in fact beat a paper bag. GTFO out of wrestling, stick to making shitty movies. At least with those, we don't have to have our finger on the channel changer to avoid it.

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