We Can Do Better

Here's a new feature debuting this week, where I'll look at the card for an upcoming PPV, and scrutinize the crap out of it, and then rewrite it as I see fit.

This year, we have a new PPV debuting called Bragging Rights. It's supposed to be a SD vs. Raw concept (Survivor Series, anyone?). The Raw main event is our favourite bag of shit, John Cena vs. Randy Orton in an Ironman match.

The only upshot of seeing Cena make Orton look bad for an entire hour is that Cena may leave Raw at the end.

If it were me doing the booking (and God willing some day I will be), I would do it like this:

First off, we need to get rid of the ridiculous Cena/Orton promo from Raw. Gone. Tossed. Instead of having Cena come out and demand his rematch, Orton will just flat out tell Cena that this is how things are going down, and if he wants his rematch, he'll have to abide by his terms.

For the stipulation itself, I would go one step further and say that Cena must leave Raw, AND is not allowed to challenge for ANY title for one full year. He can't compete in the Royal Rumble, he's not allowed in Money in the Bank, absolutely no #1 contender's matches.

Now, in all fairness, we need some kind of stipulation for Orton, since we want this to actually seem like something is being put on the line. I think that Orton should be putting up his spot in Legacy. They're holding him back, anyways.

Now the PPV rolls around, and Orton is in the ring holding John Cena's Raw contract. He says that if Cena doesn't win, he will rip this up right in front of him.

The match starts (I'll spare you the hour-long descriptiona nd cut right to the chase) and near the end things are all tied up at 3 falls each.

Cena has Orton up for an FU/whatever the new even gayer name is, but Orton counters and drops into an RKO. The closing seconds of the match see Orton pin Cena. 1....2..... oops, time's up.

Now, Orton, instead of being irate, has an evil smirk on his face. He grabs a mic and Cena's contract. He says that well, Cena didn't win, so he's tearing up his Raw contract. Furthermore, the other stipulation is that Cena is no longer allowed to have any contact with any title picture for one full year effective immediately.

The next night on Raw, Orton is in the ring with Legacy, boasting about how he's kicked Cena off Raw. Cena interrupts, and says that hey, Orton didn't win either. So he has to give up his spot in Legacy.

Orton says he could care less about those 2 talentless nobodies. They're holding him back, wasting his time.

So now Orton banishes Rhodes and his butt-buddy from the ring, and now we have Orton by himself as a top dog without any restraints. Perhaps when Edge returns we'll see Rated RKO reform.


Tune in....some time.... for the finish to the Undertaker's last storyline.

Nic

We ARE still alive!!!

I know it's been a LOOONG time since I last posted, I've been busy with a LOT of stuff. Just wanted to let you know that we DO still exist and I WILL continue posting very very soon.

We are not dead.......yet. If that does happen, I'll let you all know, but for now, we're still going.

Nic

Special Mention on WZ

Hey readers, just thought I'd share with you some cool news: My email was read on Chairshot Reality's latest video discussing the most overrated wrestler. I'd like to thank Justin LaBar and Josh Isenberg for giving me the means to express my disgust with John Cena.

Just one little thing is bugging me: I'm not British. Other than that, awesome video, and I liked everyone elses opinions, too.

Keep up the great work, guys.

Nic

The video can be seen here

The John Cena Mail Bag

It's time once again to dig through some Cena fan mail. Since Cena's too busy doing little boys up the ass, I'll answer these for him.

"Yo man ya 2 sick jst crazy"

-- Yes, John Cena is sick. He has an infatuation with little boys, and that's never good.

"john cena is so cool your mum will wake up and her cloeths will be out off fasion"

-- Wait... Cena's now so cool that he controls fashion? Uh oh. Women, now would be a good time to stop following trends.

"my son love u like hell no more life with me so have fin woth my son~!justin veevee!"

-- You're sending your son to live with Cena? not only is that horrible parenting, but I smell a Wacko Jacko-esque lawsuit in the near future.

"Cena ur the man & u rock, if u wea food u cud 've been my favourite meal"

-- Translation: "I want to eat your man meat"

"Cena your are the best you are my camp"

-- Cena Camp: Way scarier than Sleepaway Camp could ever dream of being

"You are the best wrestling,you are my favorit!Go John Cena Go......."

-- John Cena is so powerful that you can now use verbs as adjectives to describe his awesomeness? I guess this is why Cena fans have such bad grammar

"0mg! CENA! IM ACUALY TAWKN 2 U! 0MG 0MG 0MG! I S00000 L0VE U!"

-- I d0n't kn0w where t0 begin with this 0ne....Aside fr0m y0ur gratuit0us use of zer0's as o's, you really think you're talking to John Cena? How blonde are you?

"you very great man! U must beat all of wrestler in WWE! Ok!"

-- Oh Cena beats them alright....

"MAN ALL THEM BUSTER5 CNT HANDLE U U A BAD ASS AND ORTON WAS TO PUSSY TO GET IN THE RING"

-- What's a BUSTER5? Yes, Cena is a cunt and a pussy. Good for you to notice.

"congrats for winning of beat a second against miz now u take belt from orton first u cut the tail of orton then make him tap"

-- John Cena: So powerful he can now beat time.

"john cena u rock dude u are my hero u rock so hard i what to be like u when i grow up like u. go big or go home dude from your fan luke stephan murphy go qld"

-- You want to grow up to have John Cena's rock hard "hero" in your ass? You may want to get some therapy for that.

"Just wanted you to know that my 14 yr old son has a rare genetic disorder and HE is YOUR biggest fan!"

-- Ladies and gentlemen: we now have a genetic link between Cena fans and diseases! Call the WHO before it's too late!

"luv ur acting,ur appearance,ur smack.ur are my wrestler 4 life cos they can see u."luv u""

-- I knew it! Cena IS a drug dealer!

"Check out your mini-me. He had a blast seeing you at Night of Champions...can't wait for Summerslam"

-- Let me get this straight: you were staring at his package while it was blasting at NOC? You have issues.

"My 8-year-old son had a blast seeing John wrestle live. He bought the 12 Rounds movie that was autographed. Awesome action-packed movie. I'm so glad he was able to experience his first live wrestling with his daddy and his uncle."

-- Ma'am, I hate to break it to you, but your son is gay. I think it may have to do with the fact that his father is your brother.

"Helo john cena i am a huge fan of u i dnt thnk u wl gt a bigger fan thn me i got al of ur pics up 0n my hole in my ro0m i am a wwe lover"

-- Cena pictures on your hole, eh? Well, Cena's dick is so small that you couldn't tell the diference between it and a peice of paper...

That's all for now, tune in tomorrow (or thursday, whenever I have time) for the finish of Fantasy Storylines.

Peace,

Nic

Fantasy Storylines -- The Streak Ends, Part 1

Sorry for a really late post, I've had a lot on my plate recently. This is the second storyline for July's superstar of the month: The Undertaker.

Week 1:

Undertaker is in the ring, talking about how for the last 2 decades he's reigned over the WWE as the most dominant force at Wrestlemania. So far, there has been no person able to beat him. Many have tried, and all have failed. This year will be no different.

However, this year there will be a tournament to determine who will face the Deadman. Over the next several weeks, there will be qualifying matches, with the winners advancing in the tournament.

The matches start next week, and everyone should be ready for a match, as they will only be announced on the night of each show.

Week 2:

The qualifying matches are announced as Jack Swagger vs. MVP and Evan Bourne vs. Primo.

Match 1: Swagger vs. MVP

The match is a good back and forth match, with Swagger eventually pulling out the win.

Match 2: Bourne vs. Primo

Another great match, Bourne picks up the victory.

Week 3:

This week, it's Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho and Vladimir Kozlov vs. Ezekiel Jackson

Match 1: Ziggler vs. Jericho

Jericho beats Ziggler in a semi-squash.

Match 2: Kozlov vs. Jackson

Jackosn defeats Kozlov in a great big man match.

Week 4:

Undertaker is in the ring again, and says that the tournament is progressing well. It's shaping up to be a great match, no matter who he faces. As for the matches this week, we have Matt Hardy vs. Christian and John Morrison vs. R Truth.

Match 1: Hardy vs. Christian

Hardy wins after a questionable manoeuvre.

Match 2: Morrison vs. Truth

The match is going pretty well, with lots of back and forth action. Suddenly, the lights cut out, and when they come back on, both men are laid out in the ring, with nobody else around. Morrison is able to drape an arm across Truth to get the win.

A video plays, with the message "Wrestlemania, it all begins again" showing.

Royal Rumble:

The matches are announced for the next bracket of the tournament, and it's Swagger vs. Bourne, Jericho vs. Jackson, and Hardy vs. Morrison.

Undertaker comes out to ringside, and stays there for the entire night.

Match 1: Swagger vs. Bourne

Swagger beats Bourne, despite Bourne coming very close to winning

Match 2: Jericho vs. Jackson

Jackson wins via countout.

Match 3: Hardy vs. Morrison

Before the match starts, we find out that Hardy has been attacked and will not be able to compete. Officials are scrambling to find a replacement, but nobody can be found. Morrison advances by forefeit.

Week 6:

The next tournament bracket is set to begin, with Chris Masters vs. Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy vs. the Miz.

Match 1: Masters vs. Rey Rey

Masters makes Rey pass out from the Masterlock.

After the match, the lights go out, and when they come back on, both men are in the middle of the ring, out cold.

Match 2: Hardy vs. Miz

Miz wins after Hardy smokes too much weed and botchesa Swanton.

Again, both men get levelled after the lights mysteriously go out. The video package from the Rumble airs again, and it's really starting to creep people out.


This is where I sign off for this week. Stay tuned for Part 2 next week.

Til then,

Nic

Fantasy Storylines -- Submission Supremacy, Part 2

Sorry for the late post, been working a lot lately. Anywho, it's time for the conclusion of Submission Supremacy. I had you guys vote on who you wanted to win, and with a whopping 3 votes to none, Chris Jericho will be your winner.

There you go, hope you enjoyed this thrilling conclusion.

Just kidding, here's the full finish:

SummerSlam:

Undertaker and Chris Jericho are putting on a clinic. There are several false finishes, with submissions being reversed at every turn. The men beat one another senseless, and it's getting harder for them to lock in their submissions. They are getting tired, the match has been going on for 15 minutes now.

Undertaker goes for the Hell's Gate one more time in a last ditch effort to finish the match. Jericho is somehow able to roll through it into the Walls!

Undertaker is able to get to the ropes, but Jericho does not break the hold. Jericho holds on for dear life, he's not letting Taker get away that easily. Eventually, he has to release to rest his arms. Undertaker goes after Jericho, who rolls out of the ring for a breather. While the ref is trying to get him back into the ring, Edge jumps the crowd barrier.

He clobbers Taker with a Spear. There is no way that Taker will be able to recover. This match is all Jericho's now. Just then, the lights flicker, and "Death" is in the ring, standing over Taker. "Death" somehow breathes life back into Taker, and disappears in another puff of smoke.

Taker sits up, and looks like a man possessed. Jericho is now back in the ring, with a chair. Taker charges, but Jericho catches him with a Codebreaker using the chair, driving it into Taker's head. He then takes the chair and wraps it around one of Undertaker's legs.

Jericho yanks back, using a modified version of the Walls. Being a submission match, there is no DQ, so this is all legal. The ref can only watch and ask Taker is he's going to tap. Taker resists for as long as possible, but eventually gives in.

He taps, and Jericho is pronounced the winner. Edge climbs back into the ring, and looks at Jericho, who has no idea what's going on. You can see them having an argument, but nobody can make out what they're saying.

The show goes off the air with them still bickering.

The End.

Next week, I'll give you another Undertaker Storyline.

Peace,

Nic

Superstar of the Month Update

Alright, instead of doing 4 separate storylines for each superstar, I'm going to do one long one, in about 4-5 parts. I'll try to include some interactive stuff, such as voting for winners as well. I think it's about time I do some long storylines, and I hope you guys all enjoy it.

Keep hating,

Nic

PS -- Since Taker is such a big name, I'm going to do 2 big storylines for him. But the second one will have to wait until I'm done the first one. I don't want to confuse you guys.

Fantasy Storylines -- Submission Supremacy, Part 1

Welcome to the first fantasy storyline for our superstar of the month: Undertaker.

Week 1:

Chris Jericho is in the ring, proclaiming that the Walls of Jericho is the greatest submission hold in the history of the WWE. Sharpshooter, Sleeper, Camel Clutch, none of them can hold a candle to the Walls.

This has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and it's getting on fan's nerves.

Just then, the lights go out. they come back on to Jericho in the ring, coughing up blood. There is nobody to be seen, just a bloodied Jericho. Medics race out and load him onto a stretcher. They wheel him up the ramp to the back.

Later on in the show, the announcers say that Jericho has been taken to the hospital for further treatment.

Week 2:

Jericho is back, and he has a bandage over his throat. He sounds very hoarse. He says that what happened last week will not go unpunished, and that he demands the persons responsible come out to the ring.

Nobody answers, but the arena goes dark again. A video starts playing, with ominous music. The words "Summerslam" and "Hells Gates open" flicker on the screen. Just as quickly as it started, it ends. The lights come back on, and there's a dark figure standing on the stage. He points at Jericho, then disappears in a puff of smoke.

Week 3:

Jericho is in the ring yet again, and he says that he's not scared. He isn't afraid of whoever is doing this. He isn't afraid of a coward who can't show his face. Once more, the lights go out. This time, they come back on and the dark figure is in the ring with Jericho. The figure once again points at Jericho, who attempts to attack him. Jericho goes for a spear, but only gets an arm full of robe.

The figure is gone, and Jericho is in shock. He really thought he had him that time.

Week 4:

This week, Jericho isn't playing around. No more hiding, no more attacks, he demands to see who is behind this right now. A video similar to the first one starts playing, and when it ends, Undertaker is in the ring behind Jericho.

The men lock up, and Jericho drops Undertaker with a Codebreaker, and then locks in the Walls of Jericho. Security tries to separate the men, and when they're finally pulled apart, 'Taker rolls his eyes and makes the cut throat gesture to Jericho.

Week 5:

Jericho is in a match against John Morrison. The match is quite a good one, and Jericho tries to end it with a Walls of Jericho. Morrison taps after a minute or so, and it's all over. Jericho yells out "you're next Undertaker"

Later on, it's now Taker in a match against Finlay. Undertaker has Finlay up for a Tombstone, but wait... he sets him down? Undertaker drops Finlay with a big boot, and locks in the Hell's Gate. Finlay taps almost instantly.

Jericho now makes his way onto the ramp. The men stare down, each one shooting daggers at the other. The lights go out again, and the dark figure appears in the place of Undertaker. The figure points at Jericho yet again.

The lights go off again, and when they come back on Jericho is all alone on the stage.

Week 6:

Undertaker is in the ring, in full Deadman attire. There's the standard "Undertaker blue" lighting, where almost everything is completely blued out.

Undertaker tells Jericho that he has called on death itself to help bring Jericho down. For far too long Jericho has been strutting around like he owns the place. It's time for that to end. In 2 weeks at SummerSlam, Jericho and Undertaker will meet in a submission match. There is also one more stipulation: Whoever loses is no longer allowed to use their submission hold.

Jericho appears on the screen, and accepts. He wants to add his own little clause to the match: there is to be no physical contact between the 2 men before SummerSlam. If one of them does initiate contact, they will automatically lose the right to use their submission hold.

Taker agrees. The match is set. Suddenly, the lights go out on the screen and Jericho is plunged into darkness. The lights are back on, and the dark figure is standing behind Jericho. Undertaker says that while he may not be able to touch Jericho, death can touch anyone.

"Death" proceeds to attack Jericho, and then diappears in a puff of smoke.

Week 7:

This week, Undertaker is in action against CM Punk. Jericho joins the announce team at ringside. The match is going great, when Edge runs in and attacks Taker. Jericho takes a mic and says that while he can't touch Taker, Edge can.

Jericho tells the Undertaker that this is only a small taste of what's going to happen at SummerSlam. Jericho says that we will never again see the Hell's Gate in the WWE. the show ends with Edge and Jericho standing over the Undertaker.

Week 8:

This is it: SummerSlam. We're here tonight to determine who has the most dominant submission hold in the WWE. BUT: I'm not gonna finish this just yet. I'm going to give you readers a chance to vote on who wins, and then write the match based on your votes.

Til next week,

Nic

Restructuring WWE

Folks, I've been thinking for a while now about how to improve the WWE. I've come to the conclusion that it will take a total ground-up restructuring. So, as Jim Carrey said in The Mask "hold on to your lugnuts, it's time for an overhaul."

Step 1:

Merge Raw and SD into one roster. I'll explain my plan for ECW later, but for now, we'll start with this. Viewers will still see SD and Raw air every week. The titles will still be unique as well. EG: WWE Champion Randy Orton can compete on Smackdown, but his title will only ever be defended on Raw or on PPV.

This opens up a world of new feuds, but still gives you a reason to watch both shows. It also gives more time to build up feuds, which is needed in some cases. This is good for both the fans and the company, because the fans get to see some new things, and ratings for both shows should go up.

As for the titles, here's the breakdown:

Raw:

WWE Championship (With a new design, that spinner is God awful)
Intercontinental Championship

Smackdown:

WHC
United States Championship

"Floating" titles:

Unified Tag Titles (with it's own belt design instead of 2)
Hardcore Title (under 24/7 rules)
Women's Title (merged with the Diva's title)

Step 2:

Get rid of Superstars. There's no need for a third show. It's a waste of money to have 3 shows going with the same roster. Save the money and put it into hiring some new talent.

Step 3:

Speaking of new talent, make ECW the developmental show. Give the young guys a chance to get screen time without being buried by top dogs. ECW will be completely separate from Raw and SD, with it's own World and Tag titles. It'll also get expanded to 2 hours, because it's just too short otherwise.

Granted, all 3 shows will use the same refs, and ring announcer. As for commentary, put King and JR back together for Raw and Smackdown, and have Striker and Matthews stay on ECW.

Step 3:

Now that the weekly shows are done, it's time for PPV's. Alternate between Raw/SD, ECW, and tri-branded. So every third PPV would be one of the "big 4": WM in March, Summerslam in June, Survivor Series in September, and then the RR in December. Bit of a change, but I think it'll do some good.

As for having the ECW PPV's separate, see the above step about screen time. As for naming the PPV's that's not important right now. Now, since ECW is it's own separate entity and do not appear on Raw or SD, we need to give them that chance.

At the Royal Rumble, there will be an "Extreme Rumble" taking place between all ECW talent. the winner gets a spot on the main Raw/SD roster.

You're probably wondering about how Money in the Bank is going to work. It'll be exactly the same. ECW superstars will be included, and the contract is good for any title at any time for one year.

Step 4:

New management. Even though the rosters are no longer separate, the shows still need their own leaders.

Raw: I like Shane for this. Kind of a passing of the torch from father to son. Vince will still be the chairman.

Smackdown: Bring back Eric Bischoff. I loved his style. He could really play a good management type on air.

ECW: 3 guesses who I want to see. Give up? Paul Heyman. 'Nuff said.

Step 5:

New format for the WWE Draft. Since the rosters are now merged, there's no possible way to draft between them. So, superstars will be drafted from ECW to the main roster. Matches will still determine who gets to choose. GM's will pick their representatives for each match (like the hair vs. hair match at WM 23). The winning GM gets to choose who they want on the main roster.

It'll still be scripted, but it'll seem like they have a choice. But how will ECW get new talent? Like this: Throughout the night, there will be matches between 4-6 developmental talents, and whoever wins gets a spot on the ECW roster.

I think that about does it. If I come up with anything else, I'll add it.

Cheers,

Nic

Superstar of the Month: July

This week, I debut my Superstar of the Month feature. The superstar for the month of July is:

The Undertaker

You were expecting someone else? Anywho, stay tuned for the first Undertaker storyline.

RIP,

Nic